First there was Fast Company's "The 10 Best Amazon Reviews. Ever." Then, due to popular demand, we presented, just in time for Christmas, "10 More of the Best Amazon Reviews. Ever." Now we give you "Still More of the 10 Best Amazon Reviews. Ever"--the third in our series of crowdsourced critical masterpieces, courtesy of the legions of Amazon reviewers.
Who needs Consumer Reports when you can open up product criticism to the masses--the folks who actually shop on Amazon for everything from a rubberized inflatable turkey to a pimp costume for kids, a $30,000 camera lens, or a cure for irritable bowel syndrome based on the Bible. Why, these reviews are a zeitgeist for our age.
Read on for more of our favorites.
Tracy "Tracy" rated the book five stars. "I felt bad at first shaving my dog completely bald, but after I got the sweater made using this book, he now looks stylish in his own fur!"
Victor Wins was suitably impressed: "This book is a god-send, all this time, I have been knitting with wolverine hair. Let me tell you, it has been a rough time for the wolverine knitting industry, so I thought I'd try something new. After shaving my dog, I knit the gift of a small pillow for my daughter to take to her friend during her Justin Bieber themed birthday party, I know the pillow will be a hit!"
And the winner is ...
2. Turkey Trots
Carmen Lost "Avid Reader" from North Carolina bought the inflatable turkey for Christmas. "I didn't even have to preheat the oven and my table looked magnificent with the golden-brown bird as its centerpiece. "
Sadie also gave it kudos for its appearance but deducted a star for the flavor: "The inflatable turkey looked magnificent and took very little time to prepare. My in-laws were shocked to learn I could cook anything, so needless to say, they were very impressed. I did have to remove one star, however: It may have looked amazing, but the taste really left something to be desired. Next year we may try something else, but I'd definitely buy it again."
And the winner is ...
Amazin'Mom3 from Goodyear, Az., uses the Generac Commercial Series Liquid-Cooled Standby Generator to stock up for the zombie apocalypse, and noted how roomy it is: "We are [able to] fit all 6 kids with cots and have plenty of storage for food and the 2 milking goats and 7 chickens. Now it is just a waiting game. Would recommend to anyone who knows the end is nigh and wants to survive in a world gone to the undead. It is not 'if' anymore - it is when..."
Hallie Jones of Tucson, Az., addressed the issue of neighbor envy in the event of a zombie uprising, when "we cower in the basement and watch old Star Trek The Next Generation Tapes." Once they see you assemble your Generac Commercial Series Liquid-Cooled Standby Generator "guess where ALL your neighbors are going to congregate? 'Hey Jim, yeah I know I borrowed your riding mower a few months ago and gave it back with a chipped blade, but we're out of leather to boil and eat and my family is slowly going insane from the constant low moans and scratching outside their door, if we could maybe just get in there for an hour and get a hot shower and recharge our emergency radio... ' You're not going to say no to that, because you're a sucker."
And the winner is ...
Jake from Grand Haven, MI. counts himself as one "orgasmically happy" customer. "Calling this BIC brand ballpoint pen a 'pen' is like calling an atomic bomb a grenade. It's a whole new thing on its own!"
Studson "Thug Noodle" rated the pen only one star, pointing out that Bics are not Mac-compatible: "In addition to only working with PC's, I found that [they] also lacked a USB 2.0 port, installation software, and were extremely susceptible to spyware. These pens are not y2k compatible and contain no slot for extra memory. All in all I was not impressed with this product."
And the winner is ...
5. It's Hard Out There For a Pimp
B. Bingham found the Child's White Zebra Pimp Suit Costume a great value. "We bought this outfit for little Johnny, as he wanted something sharp to wear to Spring Fling carnival. His little friend Amber wore the 'Child's Red Happy Hooker Costume (Size XS)' and together they just looked cute as a button!! At the end of the day he came home so excited, and he loved the costume so much he started wearing it regularly! I had no idea he would get so much use out of it. He's even added accessories, like gold chains and bling rings (though I really don't understand where he got the money... oh well, probably just cheap things from the dollar store)."
And the winner is ...
MWyb found this $30,000 lens suitable for the hobbyist. "Developed using the same technology as the Keck telescope in Hawaii, I purchased this product with the intent on taking pictures of my children playing in the back yard ... The downside is the nuclear fission power supply (fusion model coming soon) radiates slightly too much gamma radiation so the Sigma brand Dosimeter (sold separately) is a must."
Ryan N. Holloway from Washington, DC. wished he could give it more than five stars. "What other reviewers are not mentioning is that if you turn the lens around and straddle it (with the barrel/lens hood pointing behind you) and hold onto the handle on top, it's also a functioning rocket that you can fly to weddings and events."
And the winner is ...
Jake Wilson claims to have found multiple uses for his Guardian Angel: "Carry one of these bad boys around and chuck it at any potential muggers on the street. I guess that's like the medieval equivalent to a hand grenade. It also could make for an (albeit awkward) intimate friend, for the King Tut-fetish sadomasochists amongst us."
Cecilia Sullivan "Vet Tech, Mom, and Simpering Know-It-All" from Portland, Or., wrote: "If placed strategically, it will guard you from HPV, herpes, all other STDs, pregnancy, and sex. It does, however, make sitting down a bit tricky."
And the winner is ... It's a tie!
and
M. McNully "Fantasy Reader/Writer" from Texas "needed some bleachers for my local dog park so I could hold blood sports there. When I got the bleachers, there was some girl's phone number underneath and half of the fifth bleacher was made of wood. Is this your 'preferred' bleacher? I thought you said 'all aluminum.' And who the hell is Tiffany?"
C. W. Garrison "lan10base2" says these bleachers "ruined" his life. "I really like my female next door neighbor so I placed the bleachers in my back yard facing her bedroom. Long story short after several lawsuits and a few restraining orders I am now bankrupt. I'm also divorced, and now have a criminal record. Think carefully about how you will use this product. Will it be for good ....or EVIL!!!!!"
And the winner is ...
9. Cable Ripoff
MB credits this $10,000 audio cable for improving his health: "I suffer from a rare R/F allergy which makes it nearly impossible for me to leave my lead lined sarcophagus (unless there is a power outage). Generally i can only listen to music on an acoustic gramophone and hence my library consists entirely of John Phillips Souza. That all changed when I got the Denon AKDL1 dream maker. No random photons here! I've integrated the cable into a bucket I've lined with tinfoil and now my library has already expanded to include Count Basie and Sir-Mix-Alot. Life is once again worth living."
Patricia panned the Denon cable, claiming it didn't do what she wanted it to do: "I purchased this bungee cord because it matched the basket on my bicycle. However, it is missing the hooky things on the ends and I had to tie it to the handlebars. Very poor planning on Denon's part."
And the winner is ...
10. The Word of God
James Sweet from upstate New York almost gave Dr. Colbert's Bible Cure for Irritable Bowel Syndrome a pass: "The claims in this book are false. If you grind up a Bible and consume it in pill form, it will NOT cure your IBS. Maybe I was confused because I only read the title and not the actual book, but my results have been just terrible. I have spent over $300 on KJV Bibles, condemned myself to eternal hellfire for blasphemy, and I STILL have irritable bowels."
Michael L. Phelps "Infamous" from Missouri warns that "this book is not intended to provide medical advice, it is more like a chicken soup for the IBS soul kinda advice, and it only works for agnostics some of the time, and atheist don't have butts. Also Catholics should already understand that IBS is a form of punishment for your sins."
And the winner is ...
Read more Amazon Reviews here and also here.
Adam L. Penenberg is a journalism professor at NYU and a contributing writer to Fast Company. Follow him on Twitter: @penenberg.
[Image: Flickr user Neeta Lind, and Emily Penguin]